If Not Meow, When?

Barking contest.

Got earplugs? Cat has been meowing for about ten minutes straight, and in the words of my Hollywood Actor Uncle, and any number of sea captains, I’m sure, “I’m becoming un-tethered.” They’re not innocent little mews, either. They’re long, punctuated, crescendo meows that permeate the walls and cause all rodents to create a one hundred foot buffer zone between their kin and the terrifying monster that is screeching from within House Nailthbailth. What’s worse, Cat makes a point to look directly at me when he meows like this, which is the closest I will ever get to being yelled at by an animal. The problem is, Cat wants to be let outside on his leash so he can fantasize about beheading small birds while he stares at them. It’s the kind of behavior you would expect out of a pervy criminal, not a civilized house cat. But here we are: in the middle of an ugly stand-off. Cat, in one corner, yelling at me to get off my butt and help him go creep out some birds. In the other, I’m trying to clear my head and get some writing done, which is infinitely more difficult when a miniature lion is screaming at you. Perhaps I should try to beat Cat at his own game by meowing back. Or better yet, I could bark at him while maintaining unwavering eye contact. Yea, that’ll show him! Now I just have to figure out how to best explain this to Wife when she wakes up to the sound of her husband barking at her cat. Too much coffee?

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331 thoughts on “If Not Meow, When?

  1. Pingback: Blog Stats: How Do I Loathe Thee? Let Me Count The Ways « crying in the bathroom

  2. My god blogging is a pointless piece of piss. You must be very bored of your life if this is the only shit you can think of putting out there. Jesus, you get paid for this?! 290 wasted time posting a comment?! …Keep it up! The sooner we all start making money doing pointless shit, the sooner the economy will FINALLY crash ๐Ÿ˜€

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  3. I laughed hysterically at “Theyโ€™re long, punctuated, crescendo meows that permeate the walls and cause all rodents to create a one hundred foot buffer zone between their kin and the terrifying monster that is screeching from within House Nailthbailth.” LOL!! That sentence took me back to my long lost kitty cat, Thomas Jr. who used to do the same thing. He was my beloved cat in the 7th grade. Thanks for the laugh, and the memory.

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  4. Hi Congratulations on ‘Freshly Pressed’ what an achievement. I love this post and it reminded me of a segment I saw on television the other day where they did research into a cat’s meow. Apparently there are two types of meow and they showed this with an audio monitor. Fancy getting a research grant for that ha ha. There is a contented purr and a GETME FOOD NOW purr. Who knew?
    Maybe Cat saw the same programme.
    cheers Judy
    judysp.wordpress.com

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  5. Thanks for the laugh. I can so relate to this story. Cats will never let you forget who’s really in charge, will they? I guess you were suffering from temporary amnesia, and had forgotten your role as human slave!

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    • Jason:The picture is cncrkiag me up.Man, I am so disappointed to you do not have a crystal ball! I bet that if I asked you how much money I could make sitting on my ass you could tell me Nothing, right!Systems do not start off on autopilot. They must be built first. And the are built by putting in the effort. Obviously as you mention there is more than just effort to be successful but without effort noone will be successful.- Rick

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    • Thank you! A rookie, eh? Does that make me the grizzled-police-chief-with-a-heart-of-gold-who-doesn’t-like-your-run-and-gun-attidude-but-secretly-sees-a-part-of-his-younger-self-in-your-devil-may-care-cavalier-antics? Probably not.

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  6. Bahahahahahahahahahaha! Once, a bird saw it’s reflection in the window of my house, and it flew straight into the window. You’d think that would be enough, it would fly away and be done with it, but no, it kept coming back, hitting the window, falling down, flying into it again. After a couple minutes, my cat wanted to see what was making all that noise. He saw the bird hitting the window, and then he jumped at the bird when the bird hit the window. Bang, bird hit the window from the outside. Bang, cat hit the window from the inside. Repeat. For like an hour.

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  7. I’m going to give our Boo a big snuggle. She’s into nonverbal communication. She sits at the door and wills it open (or reaches a paw under the door and pulls if she must). The worst thing she ever does is sit by her dish, with her brows lowered in my direction, and if I fail to notice she reaches her paw out to tap me as I walk by. Good Boo kitty!

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  8. OMG- you could have been writing about my 20 year old cat!!! She would pick any number of things to complain about. Food… water….attention… dirty litter box….food not good enough…open the door….or just to say “hello”! To make matters worse, she was deaf and yelled even louder, plus we believe she had a few mental issues. I feel your pain. We’d meow back at her, and my husband would bark at her from time to time, too. Too bad she couldn’t hear us…. to funny! Thanks for your story. Brought back fond memories of my Fozzy girl.

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  9. Our cat is like this, she loves to ” talk” in the morning , I think she really believes we are having a converstaion! Oh and if I don’t hurry up and feed her before my eyes are even really open she will jump up and bite me on the butt! Cats are fun though, never regret a day of having a cat!

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  10. I have a special needs Bengal cat named Brooks: she has ADHD and is a classic narcissist (like mother like daughter). One would think her recent failed suicide attempt, jumping from the third story window of my San Francisco flat, would have broken her of her demonstrative & incessant howling. Oddly…or rather…unfortunately enough, it did not. Even though the jump sadly rendered her a tripod (she had to have one of her legs amputated), it only served to make her more active, more distracted, and more likely to jump on top of my head at 4 am demanding fresh, organic turkey. I feel your pain brother, I feel your pain. Love the post….love the title. Congrats on being freshly pressed!

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      • You are hilarious…and quite intuitive…kitty has been strung out on chicken and turkey for awhile now…I just need to invest in a fanny pack and I will be set! Laughing out loud right now. Thanks for your reply.

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  11. So funny, and yet it mustยดve been horrible for you!
    Some months ago, a former neighbour screamed Missy for 10 minutes in a row, every 10 minutes or so for almost the whole day! I donยดt know if her cat turned up, though…

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  12. I have always found the stand-off to be a scarily successful tactic. Somehow, Cat is always able to walk away and ignore me more readily than I can it. She provokes my barking, and then leaves me… barking at the corner, shivering from the caffeine, to wait by the door for the men in white jackets to leave the door open just enough for her to sneak out and perv out some birds.

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    • I firmly believe that if Cat could trade me to a mental hospital for just 10 minutes outside, he would do it without hesitating.

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  13. Could definitely be too much coffee. How many cups does the cat have? Maybe the cat knows something about your writing we don’t. Do you write for a fishing magazine?

    Personally, as a writer I imagine purring to be something good to write to but meowing could be a big pain in the neck. Or, maybe you should just man up and not be so pu**y about it.

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  14. I always meow back, not always the best approach as the situation, and noise level, often escalates. Of course my cats are both indoor cats, otherwise I would gladly thrown them out of the house for a few hours to run around and stalk things to keep them out of my hair.

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  15. I had a cat named Jessie, he just passed away at the ripe old age of 18 yrs, I’ve had him since childhood and I miss his incessant meows, Especially in the wee hrs of the morning, when hunger would set in and he would demand breakfast. Oftentimes, he would even have the audacity to lay on top of my chest, and sometimes bite (love bites, though) From time to time, I think I can still hear his meows! Maybe I need a vacay! ๐Ÿ™‚ Anyway, thanks for sharing this post, it was laugh out loud hilarious and very entertaining.

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