Roses are red, violets are blue, I threw up on the carpet, I’m going to go take a nap. It’s Valentine’s Day, and Cat and New Cat are really pulling out all the stops to show me and Wife just how much they love us. For example, this morning Cat let me feed him without slashing my ankles, and New Cat only vomited on our area rug a little bit. It’s moving gestures like these that remind us why we put up with the midnight maulings, high-speed pursuits that somehow always result in broken glass, and incessant, round-the-clock whining. The only problem is that I have no idea what gifts to get them. Shopping for a human on Valentine’s Day is easy enough, but cats can’t eat chocolate, they tip over flower vases just so they can watch you mop up, and they certainly can’t read sentimental notes on overpriced greeting cards. Come to think of it, they do enjoy sparkly things. Does Jared have a feline tennis bracelet or diamond claw ring? What about a bag of rubies? Would Cat enjoy batting around thousands of dollars worth of catnip-scented, precious gems? Even if he would, where am I going to come up with that kind of dough? I suppose I could steal the gems from a rich person’s house or a museum, which would make me a literal cat burglar. I would be known as Robin Cat – the fearless outlaw who robs from the rich to give jewels to his cats. Let’s just hope that the judge overseeing my sentencing isn’t a dog person.