The Procrastinator’s Progress

Not now.

I’ll do it later. What’s the “it” I’m referring to? I’m not sure. I’ll figure that out later. See, right now, I have nothing to do. And trust me, doing nothing is hard! First, there’s the huge amount of physical energy it takes to keep yourself totally inert, especially if it’s in an unnatural position, e.g. splayed at the foot of the bed next to an unfolded pile of laundry. Then there’s the intense mental strain. Ever try to think of nothing? You wind up imagining an empty room, or a barren dessert, which, by definition, is something. Yes, it takes a special ilk of bore to successfully think of nothing: someone of exceptional blandness, and with an unusually slow metabolism. Like me. Granted, it has taken me nearly three decades to perfect my craft, so don’t expect to go around thinking about nothing like it’s No Big Deal after reading this! The trick to thinking about nothing, I’ve found, is to focus on a specific point in the distance, preferably a To Do List. Now – and this next part is very, very important – while maintaining eye contact with the To Do List, slowly lower your body towards the ground until you are no longer resisting the charms of gravity. Still looking at the To Do List? Congratulations, you are now officially thinking of nothing! There’s a lengthy scientific explanation to all of this, but suffice it to say that is has something to do with your brain being fooled into thinking it is some sort of cheap apartment flooring, and therefore cannot interpret the suddenly illegible To Do List. Go ahead, try it out. GOVERNMENT WARNING: Doing nothing impairs your ability to drive a car or operate heavy machinery, unless it is a large television.

One Hundred Hours of Solitude

Salsa coma.

I work from home, which means I have a lot of…freedom [shudder]. Horrible, limitless, malaise-inducing freedom. For instance, my current outfit consists of boxer briefs and slippers, I just ate a bunch of salsa straight from the jar, and in about five minutes I’m going to lie face-down on my bed as a reward for writing this. All kidding aside, I will say that working from home does have its perks. I mean, the break room is the size of my apartment! Also, I can eat unlimited quantities of salsa, guilt-free, which is a nice change of pace for – oh, who am I kidding?! I hate freedom! It sucks! How I long for the halcyon days of Orwellian office oppression (c-c-c-combo!). Back when procrastination was a punishable offense, and coffee was used as a chemical motivator, and I actually had to wear pants! Sweet, sweet tyranny! Where have ye gone, mine ornery horn’ed muse? Why, I can remember how I wasn’t even allowed to go on Facebook! Can you imagine?! No Facebook! Actually, that reminds me… [opens browser, checks Facebook, closes browser, reflexively opens browser, checks Facebook again, closes browser]. What was I talking about? Cats? Well, Wife and I have this cat, named Cat, and let me tell you, he is one feisty feline!