children

“The rubber chicken short sheet surprise is my signature maid prank.”

Our prayers have been answered. The product that billions of parents have been waiting for since the dawn of time is finally here. I’m talking, of course, about The Mommy Mjorn. Ever since I started wearing The Mommy Mjorn, day-to-day life has just been easier, you know? Not only can I fix myself lunch, pay bills, and run a load of laundry, but I can do all of these things WHILE watching Wife, who – let’s face it – is not at a time in her life where she should be left unsupervised. Between the nonstop childcare, housework, and sleepless nights, Wife’s energy levels and motor skills have been reduced to that of a 15-month-old baby, which, coincidentally, is the same age of our daughter, Kid. Sure, I could leave Wife in the living room with a couple of stuffed animals and her favorite show (I think it’s called Mischievous Cleaning Ladies), but what if the WiFi cuts out right as a mischievous cleaning lady is filling the cookie jar with sneezing powder and I’m not there to fix it? I would never forgive myself. Luckily, The Mommy Mjorn has a built-in iPad mount and ice cream cone holder, so Wife can relax even as I’m loading up the shopping cart! The only downside is that we get a lot of glares at restaurants—especially fast food restaurants. Apparently, McDonalds employees don’t see a lot of guys hitting the drive-thru, on foot, wearing their wife like a baby. It has also made jogging difficult, but the vibrations seem to help Wife nap, so wuddya gonna do? Speaking of naps, where is Kid? What’s that? Wife has been wearing Kid the whole time I’ve been wearing Wife? Wow. The Mommy Mjorn really is a miracle product!

“Follow that shiny object!”

Can I run something by you? No, it’s not my idea for a new line of hearty soups called Stock-y’s® (our flagship mélange is a playful little number called French Onion Rings), but remind me to bring that up when you’re in a high-risk-investment kind of mood. Actually, it’s more like a some-one that I intend to run by you. I’m talking about my daughter, and, gurl, am I proud of her! I mean, she’s only 5 months old, and already able to move at speeds of up to 10 miles per hour. How is this possible, you ask? Well, if you think I’ve been beefing up my baby by feeding her a prototype of Stock-y’s® Filet Mignonstrone, you are sorely mistaken! Although, I could see how one might think Stock-y’s® FDA-acknowledged Liquid Entree Creations would be perfectly suited for a toothless baby. Furthermore, I could see how an innocent suggestion to ditch the organic butternut squash puree in favor of Stocky’s® Premium New England Cheeseburger Chowder could go viral on the mommy blogs in a matter of days. Farthermore, I could see how this would all make me very, very rich. But that’s not what I’m saying. Actually, the reason my daughter could beat Usain Bolt in the 100 meter dash (Usain would be driving a really slow golf cart) is because I recently acquired a jogging stroller. That’s right, I’m one of “Those Guys” who conveys their child around the neighborhood like Egyptian Royalty. Of course, after only two days of ownership, it snowed. In retrospect, buying a jogging stroller in November may have been a high-risk investment. Speaking of, let’s talk Corn Syrup Bisque!