I can’t wait. No, I’m not talking about the science project Wife and I have been working on for the past nine months (I’m the too-cool-for-school knucklehead who’s been cracking jokes while their lab partner does all the work), but, to be honest, that’s also getting a tad interminable. Actually, I was referring to the day, hopefully sometime in the not-too-distant future, that our world’s surplus furniture designers wake up from their 100 Year Snore and develop a recliner for adult men that mimics the exact functions of a motorized infant swing. In case you couldn’t tell, I’ve had some time to ponder this unholy marriage of star-crossed comfort because the infant swing we received as a gift from some very thoughtful friends is in my direct line of sight when I am fully reclined in my Craigslist Special recliner. I don’t know it it’s the way this bootleg recliner puts my spine out of alignment, or the fact that the infant swing has a fully working mobile, lullaby and white noise player, and ducky harness that is making me wish I had my very own swing graded for 200 pound adults. Whatever it is, its influence has gripped me with the power of one thousand Motorized Adult Recliner Swings, which, in case you didn’t know, is measured in L.A.F.’s (Lazy Ass Fathers). Sigh. Will I ever know such joy?
We’re having a baby! Wife is six months along, but don’t worry–I didn’t just find out. Actually, I’ve known for some time, although I don’t remember what originally tipped me off. It might have been the dozens of baby doctor appointments, or Wife telling me “I’m pregnant,” or the sonograms, or the second round of sonograms, or Wife telling me “I can’t believe I’m really pregnant!” But that’s not important. What’s important is that, simply because a human is growing inside of Wife, I now know what a snoogle is. What’s a snoogle? I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED. A snoogle is a large, “S” shaped body pillow designed to help pregnant ladies sleep and large man-boys take naps when the pregnant lady is getting a pedicure. As an added bonus the snoogle can also be worn, like a sash, to fancy parties. The only complaint I have is that “snoogle” isn’t the manliest of names. That’s why I have decided to develop my own prototype, called The Moosel. It’s filled with beef jerky, and is shaped like a flexing bicep. The great thing about The Moosel is that if you get hungry in the middle of the night, you can just unzip the washable cover and have yourself a little snack. Just make sure your cats aren’t down wind from you while you snack. They’ll rip The Moosel to shreds.