Can Cat Jump?

Yes.

It’s happening. I’m finally going to be an author! I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to know that all the blood (ketchup), sweat (salt), and tears (sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwiches) are finally paying off. Well, actually, I can tell you. It feels very amazing. No, let me rephrase: it feels very much amazing, a lot. Plus, I’m going to make very much amazing, a lot of money. But that’s not why I do what I do. The answer to that burning question (which every literary genius must ask themselves twice a day, every day, and have a New York Times Bestselling Author Mentor ask them every six months (and they better be ready to answer because if they haven’t been asking themselves twice a day, every day, they can bet their bottoms they will be thoroughly roasted by their mentor (mine is Clive Cussler (he’s a tyrant)))), “Why do I write?,” has an equally burning answer. But before we gather ‘round The Bonfire of Burning Answers, we must first gather The Kindling of Inspiration, which, of course, are located in The Forest of Subconscious – what’s that? You don’t care about any of this? You want to know what my book is about? Oh. Ok. It’s a children’s book called Can Cat Jump? It’s just pages and pages of drawings of Cat jumping, soaring through the air, and clawing my legs (he can, in fact, jump). Also, I haven’t actually written it yet. Nor do I have a publisher. But I am accepting pre-orders. Five bucks. If enough people give me five dollars I will write, illustrate, print, and ship Can Cat Jump? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat very much amazing, a lot of blood, sweat, and tears.

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Nailsbails: The Book

“At the very least you could use it to level furniture.”

Dear Friends,

Nailsbails made its blogosphere debut on July 25, 2011, with A Tale of Two Toilets.

Three years, over 300 posts, and 8,000 followers later, I’m toying with the idea of self-publishing the first ever Nailsbails book. But first, I have a few questions for YOU:

A) Are you interested in a Nailsbails book?

B) Would you prefer a collection of existing posts OR new posts not available on the site OR both?

C) If your blind date had a booger hanging out of their nose, would you tell them?

I’m dying to hear your answers in the comments!

Love,

Nailsbails

The Golden Audiobook

Instant audiobook.

Talk is cheap. Unless it’s coming from a celebrity and/or author reading a book cover to cover. Then it’s really, really expensive. Twenty dollars for an audiobook? That’s crazy! I mean, twenty dollars is almost thirty dollars! I’m not exactly rolling in cash, and even if I was, it’d be more of a breaststroke – like the one Scrooge McDuck does after swan-diving into his gold-filled swimming pool. Actually, that sounds horribly painful. Imagine jumping, head-first, into a bunch of metal. But I guess if you’re a talking cartoon duck you have bigger problems. Back to how expensive audiobooks are: really expensive! And if you’re the kind of person who thinks great literature is made one thousand times better when it’s read to you in a silly voice, like yours truly, then you need some serious coin to feed your need, right? Wrong! All you have to do is follow these three easy steps: go to the nearest public library; check out your favorite book; look at the words in the book and say them out loud, preferably in order. Coincidentally, it is advisable to wait until you’re in the privacy of your home to perform the third step, I’ve found. And there you have it: a free audiobook! The one caveat is that this does not work if you hate the sound of your own voice. It also does not work if you are a duck. But then again, whoever heard of a library for ducks! [sound of scribbling idea for kids’ movie on napkin] “Woah, woah, woah…don’t libraries also have audiobooks on loan?” Yes, they do, but the ones on CD skip more than a six-year-old girl with a sugar high and the ones on cassette are on cassette. Take your seat.