The Awshugs

"I'm sooooo happy for the winner."

“I’m sooooo happy for the winner.”

I’m ready for my close-up. No, I’m not the new international eyebrow model for Tweenzers, the tweezers made for tweens, by tweens, with no inbetweeners. Although I bet I could pull it off. I’ve been told I have the eyebrows of a twelve-year-old, with the nose of a twenty-eight-year-old, and the signature of a business-casual sloth. But enough about me, let’s get back to me. I’m coming at you, live, from the futon in my basement, giving you an exclusive outside look at one of my most favorite events of the year, The Oscars. Sure, they don’t start for another five hours, and I’m in my bathrobe (the alternate-my ace had to see a window about a curtain), but that’s not going to stop me from providing running commentary for The LXXXVIth Academy Awards! Of course, I prefer to call them The Awshugs, because that’s the face every nominee makes in glorious HD (High Disappointment) when the actual winner is announced. It doesn’t matter if you are a beautiful, bright-eyed actor or a beautiful, bright-eyed, slightly older actor–every loser is a winner at The Awshugs, and, in a way, doesn’t that make us all losers? In fact, why don’t we take that High Disappointment display and use it to spice up everyday situations? “And the last pound of deveined jumbo shrimp goes to…Barb Whatley! [various shoppers grumble as Barb approaches seafood counter] This is Barb’s five-hundredth shrimp casserole.”