The Mommy Mjorn

"The rubber chicken short sheet surprise is my signature maid prank."

“The rubber chicken short sheet surprise is my signature maid prank.”

Our prayers have been answered. The product that billions of parents have been waiting for since the dawn of time is finally here. I’m talking, of course, about The Mommy Mjorn. Ever since I started wearing The Mommy Mjorn, day-to-day life has just been easier, you know? Not only can I fix myself lunch, pay bills, and run a load of laundry, but I can do all of these things WHILE watching Wife, who – let’s face it – is not at a time in her life where she should be left unsupervised. Between the nonstop childcare, housework, and sleepless nights, Wife’s energy levels and motor skills have been reduced to that of a 15-month-old baby, which, coincidentally, is the same age of our daughter, Kid. Sure, I could leave Wife in the living room with a couple of stuffed animals and her favorite show (I think it’s called Mischievous Cleaning Ladies), but what if the WiFi cuts out right as a mischievous cleaning lady is filling the cookie jar with sneezing powder and I’m not there to fix it? I would never forgive myself. Luckily, The Mommy Mjorn has a built-in iPad mount and ice cream cone holder, so Wife can relax even as I’m loading up the shopping cart! The only downside is that we get a lot of glares at restaurants—especially fast food restaurants. Apparently, McDonalds employees don’t see a lot of guys hitting the drive-thru, on foot, wearing their wife like a baby. It has also made jogging difficult, but the vibrations seem to help Wife nap, so wuddya gonna do? Speaking of naps, where is Kid? What’s that? Wife has been wearing Kid the whole time I’ve been wearing Wife? Wow. The Mommy Mjorn really is a miracle product!

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6 thoughts on “The Mommy Mjorn

    • I always encourage writing, even by bots, so here’s my Gold Star and Needs Improvement feedback. Gold Star: love your enthusiasm and energy! Needs Improvement: avoid writing entire posts in ALL CAPS. It makes readers feel like you are shouting at them.

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  1. Why couldn’t they have come up with products like this when I was raising my babies? I had no supervision and just had to wing it – sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn’t.

    Although I can envision lawsuits with this particular product if it doesn’t include the warning that carrying the Wife could be dangerous to the wearer’s health, especially if the wife takes to eating lots and lots of cookies and ice cream (double hernia, anyone?).

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    • I churned through an entire bucket of Gifford’s Peanut Butter Pie the other day, so it’s not Wife’s weight I’m concerned about. Luckily, The Mommy Mjorn also has an adapter that turns it into a mobile Nautilus machine. If you see someone jogging down the street and doing lat pulldowns onto himself, be sure to say hello.

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