Please Don’t Feed the Parents

"Behold the wild parent, caught unawares in his natural habitat, the mall."

“Behold the wild parent, caught unawares in his natural habitat, the mall.”

You are here. No, I’m not talking about the street view of your house I’m currently looking at, because modern technology is an Orwell novel come to life, with a foreword written by The Brothers Grimm, and an audio book recording performed by Justin Bieber. I’m referring to the mall map with the little fingy indicating your current location. What’s that? You don’t understand why the fingy is pointing to C25: People Zoo? Allow me to explain. The AstroTurf’ed, gated enclosure we are currently standing in is the closest homo sapiens will ever come to constructing an exhibit of parental boredom for entertainment purposes. In the far corner, next to the tire swing, you will see the endangered Noddus Maximus, or, Carl, struggling to stay awake as his son runs in circles while speaking in tongues. Over by the artificial chlorine geyser (please do not throw pennies into it), you will see Cappacinum Unleaded, or, Alice, enjoying her caffeinated bovine milk treat as her daughter plays happily with a dirty sock. And don’t forget to wave at all the People Zoo Visitors walking by. They say they come for the shopping, but we see right through that little charade, don’t we?

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