The Snot Snatchers

"The things we do for our child...that they aren't able to tell us not to do."

“The things we do for our child…that they aren’t able to tell us not to do.”

The media is out of control. Day-in and day-out, we are bombarded with a misrepresentation of reality so gross it makes us wonder if we are conscious or dreaming. No, I’m not talking about the widespread use of Photoshop to make cheeseburgers look 10 years younger. I’m talking, of course, about baby snot suckers. For the uninitiated, a snot sucker is small rubber tube that connects your mouth – the thing that you eat with – to the snot-filled nostril of your baby. If you are currently thinking, “Hey, those two things should not ever be connected,” congratulations, you’re sane! Unfortunately, millions of parents around the world do not share your valuable skill of thinking and behaving in a normal and rational manner. Instead, they see a photo of a Swede sucking mucus out of an infant with a crazy straw and pull out their wallets. Don’t believe me? The NoseFrida, a self-described “Snotsucker Nasal Aspirator” (paging H.G. Wells!) is currently the #1 Bestseller in Baby Grooming & Health Kits on Amazon.com. And do you know why it’s a #1 Bestseller? Because babies can’t write Amazon.com reviews. If my baby could write a review for the NoseFrida, it would read something like this, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY FACE HOLES YOU PSYCHOPATH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” But don’t take my baby’s word for it. You too can experience the abhorrent sensation of having your snot stolen by placing your vacuum’s crevice attachment over your nose and turning it on. Enjoy!

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25 thoughts on “The Snot Snatchers

  1. So is this going to become like an an accepted thing now? Children’s playgrounds will now be filled with mother’s breast-feeding in public on one side, and snot snatching on the other? Reckon babysitters would charge extra for this service? Heck, maybe some of them could advertise themselves with having previous experience in a similar field…

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  2. Pingback: I’ve Been Selfish and/or Lazy, My Bad | The Spazmatazz

  3. If there was an apocalypse, I wouldn’t syphon gas from stranded vehicles for fear of getting gas in my mouth. Even if it would save my life. So, needless to say, I wouldn’t willingly sip the snot from any baby…except maybe Kanye and Kim’s baby North West. I could sell those boogers for gold on EBay. Sure, I could make my fortune posing as a live-in nanny and collecting those sweet nose nuggets using my finger to scoop them out of that unsuspecting baby, but where’s the sport in that?
    On a less nauseating note, I just found your blog and I’m already a big fan.

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    • I feel the same way about siphoning gas. The only way I would survive the apocalypse is if cars ran on chocolate milk shakes. But that’s a bit of a Catch-22, because there would never be an apocalypse in a world that used chocolate milk shakes as fuel. Unless, of course, the vanilla milk shake countries got sick and tired of playing second fiddle. Then there’d be a big milk shake war. The devastation would be absolutely delicious. Thanks for reading!!!

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  4. I must be one of the crazy ones because snatching snot from your precious one’s snout seems like a wonderful bonding experience. I believe it was Ezekiel 25:17-a, in one of his more gentle moments, that said “The snoteth of a child shall once and forever be really higheth quality! Deserving of reverence unlike any other human goo that we do…”

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  5. Well, I did look it up, and it is an actual product (imagine that!). My feeling is that you could accomplish the same thing by going to the grocery store and buying a package of straws for much, much less. That is, if you really feel a need to suck your baby’s snot into your own mouth.

    In the dark ages, we used to use a bulb-type nasal aspirator made especially for babies, which was then rinsed and sterilized afterwards.

    Apparently, raising babies is so much different now than it was 30-some years ago when I did it.

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