I’m not much of a gambler. I don’t play fast and loose with money, I tend to heed the food pyramid (except on weekends when it’s more of a portly sphinx), and I never attempt splits during dance contests. So when I tell you that I decided to bring the trash out to the curb this morning in my bathrobe – my very purple, very fluffy bathrobe – understand that this decision was one of the biggest gambles of my life to date. What makes going outside your house in a bathrobe a gamble, you ask? Well, if you make it out and back without being spotted, you have just saved yourself the aggravation of having to don socially acceptable clothing for something as unceremonious as retrieving the mail (my mail doesn’t care what I look like). BUT, if a neighbor sees you braving the elements in a purple sloth tuxedo, you will be forever referred to at block parties as The Guy Who Goes Out in His Robe. There is only one scenario that is worse than being caught outdoors in your bathrobe by a neighbor, and that is being caught outdoors in your bathrobe by a neighbor who is also in a bathrobe. That, my friends, is the Holy Grail of coincidental mutual shame. At that point, you might as well fire up the grill and invite them over for a bathrobe-a-cue. But back to The Biggest Gamble of My Life To Date. You’re probably wondering if I won or lost, and the answer is… TO BE CONTINUED.
Just kidding. I lost. I lost hard.