A Breath of Cheap Toothpaste

"Stand back. I just brushed my teeth."

“Stand back. I just brushed my teeth.”

The world is a crazy place. To quote that 90’s song with all the wind chimes and flutes and stuff, “Sometimes the snow comes down in June / Sometimes the sun goes ‘round the moon / Sometimes you buy toothpaste on sale and it gives you bad breath / And now we’re standing face to face / Seriously, your breath smells.” Man, what a great song – even if I am butchering the lyrics (my favorite Beatles song was Hey, Jehoshaphat until I was corrected by my college roommate). By the way, that toothpaste thing is completely true. Just ask Wife, who is convinced that the bargain bin toothpaste I picked up at the drugstore is giving me chronic halitosis. Of course, I can’t confirm or deny this because I lack the ability to smell my own breath. Which brings me to my next point: why doesn’t this technology exist? I mean, it’s 2014. Surely we have the wherewithal to develop a breathalyzer that discreetly analyzes the odor of your breath. It would be called iSmell?, and it would connect to your smartphone via Bluetooth and automatically cancel plans with your friends over social media if your odor signature breached a certain threshold. Sure, it would cost a couple million in research and development, plus a couple more for beta testing, production, and shipping, but isn’t that worth not having to face the curtains at all times while you sleep because your breath keeps your spouse awake? Then again, I suppose I could just buy different toothpaste.

 

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