The Human Meatball Maze

"Wake me up when it's over."

“Wake me up when it’s over.”

I need to lie down. Wife and I are at our most and least, respectively, favorite place on Earth: Ikea. Sure, the prices are great, and the variety is infinite, but I just don’t see the appeal of spending several hours in a reinforced concrete labyrinth steeped in the unmistakable odor of meatballs and dirty diapers. Then again, Wife does, so I guess that’s why I am currently experiencing sleep paralysis on this queen-sized Nyvoll at 1:30 PM on a Monday afternoon. In retrospect, I should have acted on my earlier impulse to admit myself to the Smäland Play Area back when we first arrived at The Human Meatball Maze. The only glitch was that you have to be under 39 inches to gain access to all the fun, including the giant plastic shoe that would be perfect for napping in, and I’m a cozy 72. But so what? Why should I have to suffer through a Houseware of Horrors, while these kids live the high life climbing jungle gyms and screaming without threat of prosecution, just because I’m huge? If Ikea really cared about their customers, they would build a separate play area called Beegland. It would be exclusively for bored husbands and boyfriends, and it would have bean bags, video games, and a big plastic shoe that would be perfect for napping in. Of course, the only problem would be trying to get us guys to leave once you were done shopping. I guess that’s when you have to play dirty and bribe us with meatballs. It’s our only weakness.

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16 thoughts on “The Human Meatball Maze

  1. I have a love hate relationship with Ikea. Although I have fond memories of the cheap bed I bought from there after I got married that subsequently collapsed in the middle of the night five short years later.

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  2. How can you not enjoy IKEA? Look at the huge amount of material we get from it, (you just proved it by writing your blog). Look at the fun of people watching, or am I just being sadistic now that kids have left home and hubby and I can enjoy true shopping time without emails or texts from kids looking for us to “pick up stuff” while we are out.
    Regarding the kitchen timers, I wait for Christmas and go for all of those moving Santa’s I’m the local merchants nightmare .

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    • I’m not sure but I think it’s the meatball fragrance. It puts me in a heightened state of agitation. Much like a wolf near a muskrat den.

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  3. You should play a little game I like to play and find the kitchen timers, then set them all to go off 5/10/15 mins down the line. Then just find your camping spot and watch chaos unfold…

    – JD –
    iamjoedaniels.com

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