A Bit of a Stretch

"The last thing my bacon, egg, and bacon sandwich ever saw."

“The last thing my bacon, egg, and bacon sandwich ever saw.”

I’m pretty flexible. Of course, my definition of the word “flexible” is the ability to ignore expiration dates and go by smell only. If you thought I was talking about the relative mobility of my joints and muscles, and not potentially spoiled bacon, that’s an entirely different bag of incorrectly presumed objects. Actually, I am one of the least flexible human beans on the planet, according to Wife. But what does she know? Her background is in professional dance, not professional daaau-aan…but…ugh. Fine. So I’m not flexible. Who cares? I don’t need limber limbs to be happy. All I need is this delicious bacon, egg, and bacon breakfast sandwich. Unfortunately, it’s juuuuust out of reach. I’ll simply extend my torso, like…like so…and, before you know it [huffs], that sandwich will…[puffs] be in my mouth. Just a bit more. Just a biiiiiit more. Hmm. It appears my body does not want me to obtain said sandwich. Hey, I know! I’ll get me one of those handi-grabbers. Not only will this increase my reach by five logarithms (take THAT, 10th Grade Math Teacher Who Said I Goofed Off Too Much), but it will also help beef up my defenses against certain anonymous sociopathic orange pets. Lets see how that cretin likes having his tail grabbed from across the room! All I have to do is order one online. I’ll just reach for the mouse, which is juuuuuust…

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