The Blazer Bather

"Menswear by Calvin Klump."

“Menswear by Calvin Klump.”

I’m not a fancy guy. I don’t “eat caviar” or “eat barbecue sauce without mixing it in a big bowl with ranch dressing” or “know how to spell the word Oprah.” But there is one fancy thing that I do: I wear blazers. Like, all the time. I don’t know if it’s the way they shape my delts’, latts’, traps’, tris’ and bis’, or if it’s the way they make me feel like a character actor hanging out at his modest-yet-handsomely-appointed beach bungalow. Either way, I like blazers, and blazers like me. In fact, I like them so much that I think everyone – men, women and children – should own at least one blazer. Why? Because wearing a blazer makes everything seem instantly more important. Have you ever brushed your teeth wearing a blazer? I have. And I felt like the President of Colgate (the toothpaste, not the school, although I felt like the President of Colgate, the school, when I read its Wikipedia page whilst wearing a blazer). If you wear a blazer to the grocery store, you still have to wait in line and stuff, but cashiers say things to you like “I like your blazer” and “It didn’t swipe, you have to swipe it again.” Heck, I’d be willing to bet that bathing in a blazer would be sublime. I can just see the headline now: “Nailsbails Blazer Bathes by Beautiful Beantown Bay Beach Bungalow.” And the sub headline: “Beloved Character Actor Reveals He is the Mastermind Behind Blazer Bathing Craze.”


8 thoughts on “The Blazer Bather

  1. I understand this almost too well. I bought a blazer about 4 months ago, and everything I did felt important, even if I was going for a drink or something, blazer = presidential status.



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