I Am the Juice Man

"I spent hours painting this."

“I spent hours painting this.”

What happened to me?

I used to get excited about things like the K’Nex Roller Coaster, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, and any other toy with apostrophised slang in its title (‘cuz that’s how you know it’s 4 kidz).

Now I get excited about Pier One Beverage Coasters and Socks.

Allow me to elaborate. For Christmas this year, I received the following gifts:

A steering wheel cover, a car freshener (Balsam Pine), a juicer, bedding, a book about business relationships, a sweater, socks, and a slow cooker.

Best. Christmas. Ever.

Now, logically, you would think that an 8-year-old unwrapping a Nintendo 64 has a 28-year-old unwrapping a Breville BJE510XL Multi-Speed 900-Watt Juice Fountain beat in the Near-Stroke-from-Excitement Department.

But just because the 28-year-old isn’t doing handsprings across the living room in footie pajamas, whilst foaming at the mouth, doesn’t mean they aren’t legitimately pumped about the numerous health benefits, not to the mention the timesaving convenience, of a whole-fruit juicer with backlit control panel and dishwasher safe parts.

Sure, the Nintendo 64 is fun, but does it come with an extra-wide feed chute? Can it pulverize a kiwi?? DOES IT HAVE DUAL SPEEDS???

Perhaps my 64-bit innocence has been permanently corrupted by the quiet horrors of modern adult life, but I don’t care. I mean, I’m practically soiling myself just thinking about the benefits of increased daily fruit and vegetable consumption.

And the convenience. We shan’t forget about the convenience.

Shan’t we?


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