Fat Cat Fever

"If I was fat, could I do this?"

“If I was fat, could I do this?”

Cat is fat.

I was trying to think of a wittier lead-in, but when it comes to announcing, on the internet, that your pet is overweight, there really is no point in adding flair.

It is what it is.

How do I know Cat is fat? Well, for starters, when he leaps off his favorite napping spot atop my Ikea wardrobe (which, by the way, has peanut-sized handles that make me feel like I’m opening the front door of a dollhouse), he lands on Wife’s vanity with so much force that it sounds like our bedroom is under heavy cannon fire. You can almost hear his massive frame whistling through the air, like a cartoon anvil.

And when he walks across our glass coffee table, I swear I see little cracks spidering out from his splayed kitty clompers, like Jackie Gleason ice skating in late March.

Another tip-off is the fact that Cat no longer gnaws at my ankles in the middle of the night. Apparently gorging on kibble twenty hours a day is enough to sate his previously unquenchable thirst for my blood.

Frankly, I’m concerned. Does anyone know of a good in-home Pet Exercise DVD I could commandeer? And if that sort of thing doesn’t exist, does anyone want to make one with me?

We could be billionaires.


16 thoughts on “Fat Cat Fever

  1. Oh I get my cat to work out by following him around and being annoying – you see he likes being left alone for most of the day unless he’s in the mood for some loving – so that might help (although I must warn you, this might just end up in you losing weight and some blood)

    Hilarious post by the way! 🙂


  2. Reblogged this on The Haunted Lullaby and commented:
    As a fellow cat owner, I found this hilarious. I would encourage all my followers (gee, that looks awfully strange in writing, like I am some sort of powerful king or something) to give this blog a read as the blogger, Will Bailey, is really witty. Thanks for allowing the reblog Will!


  3. I have a small cat who is 8 lbs but her belly still hangs and sways from side to side when she walks. What is it about cats? Even when they are small, they are still fat!

    Does Cat ever try to steal trays of lasagna?


    • You keep hearing more and more about these stories about people who think they’re adopting a small dog and then they grow up to be a 1600 pound dairy cow.



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