Shop Til You Quack

"Does this outfit make me look like a duck?"

“Does this outfit make me look like a duck?”

Try this one on for size.

What size are you again? Oh, actually, we only have that in Baby Huey Medium. Yea, it makes you feel like an oversized manchild, on account of the waddling. It looks great on you, though. Oh yea, you look exactly like the mannequin. That’s what you wanted, right? To look like the mannequin? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to lunch.

[trailing off] Really, you look great. Just wonderful. Really great. [distant laughter]

And this is why I hate clothes shopping.

Not only am I 100% certain that the R. Crumb (a discount subsidiary of J. Crew) sales associate, who just handed me fifteen sweaters, has a B.S. in Bullshit, I am 150% certain that the fitting room lights are hotter than Denny’s heat lamps for a reason: to make you feel like a sweaty breakfast sausage. A sausage that buys expensive clothes that don’t fit because it gets inpatient and confused when it sweats.

Maybe I should stick to buying all my clothes online. Sure, those never quite fit either, but at least I don’t have to deal with a guy wearing a vest over a sweater over a tie over a turtleneck who would tell me I looked good wearing glue and dirt. I don’t care if these clothes are the latest rage in Prague – this is not what a human person looks like.

I refuse to dress like a wealthy eight-year-old’s teddy bear.

Can we go back to walking around naked?

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