Today is a very special day.
No, I’m not being inducted into the mafia. First of all, the mafia doesn’t exist. And B) do you really think an organization as cool and exclusive and cool as the mafia would have their super secret induction ceremony, which is held in the freezer in the basement of the Burlington Mall Cheesecake Factory, on a Tuesday?
Don’t answer that. I’ve said too much already.
The reason today is a very special day is because I have unilaterally decided that the Tuesday after Labor Day (for my non-American readers, Labor Day is a national holiday during which people celebrate hard work by not working (which, if you really think about it, is like celebrating Earth Day on top of a landfill)) is The Real New Year.
On this day, kids and teachers are back at school, college football players are back at their unpaid NCAA internships, and Congress is back from the beach, showering off in their oceanfront vacation homes’ outdoor showers, laughing about how they’re still totally on vacation (a little bit of the shower water gets in their mouths, though, causing them to gag, but then they start laughing again, and more water gets in their mouths, and they decide that, as a general policy, they’re going to try not to laugh in the shower anymore).
Compare this to January 1st, a day that is marked only by hangovers and tenuous promises of self-improvement. Hmm, that kinda sorta sounds like THE DAY AFTER LABOR DAY.
I rest my case. Happy Real New Year, everybody.