The Motormouths

"You're an incredible listener."

“You’re an incredible listener.”

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

You are at a party. Your date is either in the bathroom or imaginary. Somehow, you have been roped into a one-on-one conversation with your host in a remote corner of the front-hall closet.

But instead of facilitating a mutual exchange of ideas or anecdotes, your host is simply verbally relaying every thought that enters their mind, without once pausing to inhale.

Thats right: You have been taken Host-age.

You attempt to silently signal for help by glancing sharply in the direction of other guests. But there are no other guests. They’ve escaped.

You try changing the subject, but your host quickly reroutes their monologue back to “Diners I Have Been To.”

You fake a stroke. They absentmindedly say, “Bless you.”

You fling lit matches at them. They continue rambling as several small fires smolder on their torso.

You recite the entire Saving Private Ryan script, including machine gun sound effects, at the top of your lungs. They’re still talking when you get to the “No animals were harmed during the making of this film” part.

You’ve just about given up when you spot an opening: your self-absorbed host has become temporarily distracted by their reflection in an antique hand mirror.

You run. And you never, ever look back.

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14 thoughts on “The Motormouths

  1. With those types of individuals, they often fall into the category of when they do happen to let you speak, they either are thinking about what they are going to say next or attempt to finish your sentences for you. Either way, you are speaking but not really saying anything.

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  2. People Inebriated by Their Own Verbosity are just one level above People Who Write Yearly Recap Christmas Letters For Attention – at least you can throw the letters away. Not so easy to stuff your host into a dumpster.

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  3. My wife, who hates sports but especially baseball, was accosted by a host listing all the baseball stadiums he had seen ever, Bubba Gump style. Not stadiums he’d been in or watched a game in. Stadiums he’d seen. It was pretty entertaining to watch her look of sheer disbelief and terror.

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  4. My mother-in-law is like this. (Fortunately we are estranged at this point.)

    Here’s a sure-fire technique. Touch their arm (contact is imperative as they may be completely deaf as evidenced by the fact that they can hear nothing but themselves). Then brashly say something like “I’m so sorry to interrupt you, but I have a raging case of diarhea (or however you spell it) and then you run. Or you have diarhea on their white carpet.

    Whichever. You do what you have to do.

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  5. The best thing about these people is you won’t have to remember anything they’ve said, because a) they just wanted to have something to talk about and b) they will be more than willing to rehash what they said at a later date. If you can carry some smoke screens on you, then you could replace yourself with a life-sized replica of Will Bailey. I doubt they will be able to make the connection.

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