Green Gardens

Behold, the eighth wonder of the world.

Behold, the eighth wonder of the world.

There are certain things about yourself that you don’t find out until you are a grown adult.

For instance, there are no High School Yearbook Superlative Categories for “Best Tax Return” or “Most Likely To Drink Diet Coke At 9:30 AM On A Monday.”

So imagine my surprise when I discovered how much I suck at gardening. Let’s take it from the top, shall we?

The ranch-style house Wife and I bought came with a nice little back and side yard. Don’t worry. I did not touch them. I did, however, make a complete mess of the raised-bed tomato garden that runs parallel to our driveway. It is supported by crumbling railroad-ties, and, upon first glance, appears to be a great place to bury a dead body.

Here is how I think you are supposed to garden.

Step 1: Grab a shovel.

Step 2: Poke things with shovel.

Step 3: Pile rotting lawn clippings onto garden bed. You know, for fertilizer.

Step 4: Catch a whiff of the lawn clippings. Resist urge to spew.

Step 5: Cover the lawn clippings with dirt you got from neighbor’s lawn.

Step 6: Empty a packet of sunflower seeds, from Market Basket, onto dirt.

Step 7: Continue to poke things with your shovel until you have been outside long enough to justify skirting your inside chores.


7 thoughts on “Green Gardens

  1. Lol.. I also suck at gardening- besides planting mint in our front garden, oh bamboo too… who knew they were two of the most prolific and rampant plants there are. Almost a year later, my husband was still pulling bamboo shoots up from the middle of the yard. And the mint jumped the front walkway to make its way over to the other half of the front garden. Oh, and i figured, the more fertilizer, the better, right? (You can never get too much of the good stuff) Not quite… i guess.


  2. Back yard gardening is often like owning a boat: you might as well stand around burning dollar bills.
    (But it does get you an excuse to avoid picking up the house….until people start demanding to see produce grow….then you can do like some fishermen and just run unnoticed to the store and buy tomatoes and take them inside saying “here’s dinner”…be sure to rub dirt on them – and take the stickers off.)


  3. It’s all about the shovel poking. You need to sell people on the shovel poking, or they will think you don’t know what you’re doing. I think my shovel poking convinced my neighbors I knew how to expertly reseed patches of lawn.



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