Fathers & Spasms

Fathers and Spasms

Hammer and sickle and fanny pack.

In honor of Father’s Day, I would like to talk about something that is very near and dear to my heart: DadSpasms.

What are DadSpasms, you ask? DadSpasm describes the emotional state that accompanies any situation in which the affected party feels like they are “being screwed,” but their inherent ambivalence towards drama, in addition to years of exposure to the testosterone-anesthetizing effects of family life, outweighs any desire for verbal or physical recourse.

Indeed, instead of hurling expletives or fists, the DadSpasmer will simply grumble, inarticulately, for several minutes, and then begrudgingly accept their fate.

HOWEVER, the important distinction between DadSpasmers and your average, everyday wimp is that the DadSpasmer will continue to grumble about the incident in question for years, possibly decades, to come.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: only Dads can experience DadSpasms.

WRONG!

DadSpasms can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime, regardless of age or gender. Here are a few examples:

Your cab driver hikes the fare after you have arrived at your destination. DadSpasm.

You ask your waiter for hot sauce. They forget. DadSpasm.

Your neighbor sarcastically asks you if you want to borrow their lawnmower because your lawn is becoming an eyesore. DadSpasm.

You catch a t-shirt during one of those free t-shirt giveaways at a professional sporting event, but some guy locks eyes with you and nods suggestively at his 10-year-old son. So you give his son the t-shirt because you don’t want to look like an ass, but neither the dad nor the son says thank you, and you spend the rest of the game staring at the back of the dad’s stupid pear-shaped head dreaming up an alternate reality in which you are quicker on your feet and tell the dad, sorry, but you are going to bring the t-shirt home to your own son (Who, by the way, does not exist. But so what? He will someday. Besides, who does this guy think he is? Captain of the secret t-shirt police? Last you checked you weren’t watching this game in communist Russia, where free t-shirts are taken from the working class and redistributed to ungrateful little twerps wearing backwards hats). DadSpasm.

Happy Father’s Day everybody!

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15 thoughts on “Fathers & Spasms

  1. I love taking my son to sporting events because now, at 13, he’s old enough to out run and out jump anyone willing to put down their nachos and beverage to catch a t-shirt from a cannon. And yet, if he makes the catch and escapes with the shirt he still ends up on the Jumbotron and everyone thinks he’s cute. It’s a win-win.

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  2. Spot on! Perfectly described… DadSpasms are a thing of wonder and all fathers will grow into them… like nose and ear hair they are ingrained in our DNA.

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  3. I’ve always felt that the ironic Stalin or Soviet Union shirts were created by the actual Soviet Union. Reinforcing the iron curtain through irony. To know that our own shirts are just being redistributed to ungrateful little twerps is simply too much to handle.

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