One If By Land, Two If By Beef

Look honey, that's where super beef comes from.

Look honey, that’s where super beef comes from.

Do you like beef? How about…super beef?

If the answer is “Yes” or “Maybe” or “Huh?” to the above questions, I have got the place for you.

Picture this: you’re fighting rush hour traffic to get home so you can cook a half-assed dinner to be eaten in front of the television/computer screen/Boteach Entertainment Tube when you suddenly realize you forgot to go grocery shopping this month. You rack your brain for creative cuisine ideas. Maybe you could grill some of the dandelions that are devouring your lawn like a yellow plague of death. Or perhaps you could steam some gravel.

That’s when the clouds part, and a heavenly glow envelops a red clapboard roof cresting the horizon. It is a fast food dining oasis.

You don’t venture inside the building, because one look at the 1960’s neo-Vomitus interior design through the restaurant’s bubbling plastic tinted windows makes your corneas itch. Instead, you bring around your clunky sedan to the ancient drive-thru order box that sounds like a WWI radio runnin’ out of juice, and, nearly screaming, you place your order.

“Ya, gimme two supah beefs with mozzarella sticks and a lahge fry.”

You drive to the pick-up window, where Bill – or is it Bob? –  rings you up on a register that looks like it was put in a dishwasher on “Pots & Pans” and hands you your greased-soaked bag of happiness along with a hand-full of filthy change.

No, it’s not a dream. It’s Bill & Bob’s Famous Roast Beef, off Route 38, Woburn, Massachusetts.

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