The Walking Deadlock

Clear a path, please. Misanthrope coming through.

Clear a path, please. Misanthrope coming through.

Where did all these people come from?

I know our world population is currently at 7.086 billion, but, I mean…

What the fudge?

I can’t even go for a leisurely stroll anymore without feeling like I’m at the 1904 World’s Fair in St. Louis. Actually, they invented the waffle cone at that World’s Fair, so let’s not use that one for this analogy. Whichever World’s Fair licorice was invented at – and maybe a few people got smallpox – that’s the one I feel like I’m at when I go for a walk.

In my opinion, walking is the new driving. The same frustrations and characters that could be found on The Super Highways of Tomorrow (World’s Fair, 1962) can be found on the sidewalks and shorelines of today.

There are the Sunday Walkers, who like to stop and smell the roses, consider the lilies, or lie down and take a nap, every five centimeters.

There are the Tourist Gangs, who travel in clumps of Capri pants and use their foreign language to disorient other walkers who may or may not be trying to keep their baseline heart rates up so they can burn off that macaroni and cheese their wonderful Mother-in-Laws made them for dinner last night.

There are the Rogue Children, who buzz back-and-forth between both lanes of the walking path like drunk motorcyclists, with no regard for other people, or reality.

There are the Wide Loads, who require a very, very large berth.

There are the Ansel Adamses, who are taking photos of acorns with their telephoto lenses from the opposite side of the path and frown at you if you get in the shot like you just ruined their chance at a Nobel Prize because that photo was the last megabyte on their digital camera’s non-rewritable memory card.

There are the Spy Strollers, that throw Cheerio bombs and apple juice slicks at you from behind.

And last, but certainly not least, there are Canada Geese*.

*A story about Canada Geese that ran on Nailsbails’ weekly humor blog on April 29 contained an error. The article referred to the bastard water fowl as “Canadian Geese,” and was pointed out by the author’s Wife’s Grandmother as incorrect. Nailsbails retracts the story, and is taking steps to ensure that future references to Canada Geese will live up to his Wife’s Grandma’s standards of blogging.

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9 thoughts on “The Walking Deadlock

  1. You’ve somehow just taken everything I think of when walking through the school corridors or shopping centers and turned it into an articulate post without any of the swearing… hats off to ya. Oh, also, it was hilarious.

    Like

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