Hickory Dickory Cat

Good morning, sweet prince.

Good morning, sweet prince.

Are you a heavy sleeper?

Do you find ordinary alarm clocks to be ineffective and even insipid?

Would you like to begin each day by having a glass of water dumped on your head, thereby jolting you awake in a panicked frenzy of confusion and fear?

Hi, I’m Nailsbails. No, not the famous French Malacologist/Writer. You’re thinking of Snailtrails. Besides, she’s retired!

As I was saying, I’m Nailsbails, the non-famous non-French non-Malacologist/Blogger non-non-Illustrator/Writer. And I’m here to talk to you today about ALARM CATS®, the exciting new lifestyle product by BOTEACH (bo-tay-ahk) INDUSTRIES™ that is revolutionizing the way ordinary folks like you and I wake up.

Developed by the world renowned Boteach Industries janitorial staff, Alarm Cats® utillizes patented technology that combines hungry, pissed-off cats with glasses of drinking water to create the ultimate wake-up call!

Simply place the laser-machined Alarm Cats® drinking glass (cold water sold separately) on the headboard above your pillow, feed New Cat – the small one with the disproportionately humongous appetite – one can of food instead of two, and go to sleep. In just a few hours, New Cat will grow ravenous, head-butt her room’s door off its hinges, and jump onto your face, spilling frigid water all over your head, neck, and pillow.

Rise and shine, a-wipe!

 

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12 thoughts on “Hickory Dickory Cat

  1. Pingback: Party Animal |

  2. I’ve heard rumor of their most exciting and interactive model to date, Rancid Diaper BabyⓇ.

    Used in combination with Alarm CatⓇ, it’s sure to guarantee a sensory experience you’ve only dreamed possible!

    Like

  3. I’m still working the kinks out of Alarm Dog. She tends to go off at unscheduled times, like 2 a.m. I think it’s because she’s an older model. The Alarm Dog 2.0 and 3.0 rarely experience this malfunction.

    Like

  4. You need to hire infomercial people to demonstrate just how ineffective and insipid alarm clocks are. They always seem to get hung up on the small things in life. “Oh no! I broke my taco shell, again! Will this torment ever cease?!”

    Like

  5. You can also purchase the patented Stop Snoring Cat. When the snoring from your loved one reaches Richter scale proportions, simply fling Stop Snoring Cat in the direction of the sleeping villian. Stop Snoring Cat comes with razor sharp claws and spitting fury. Garaunteed to give you a good’s night’s sleep and save you from possible manslaughter charges.

    Like

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