Everyone has a dark side.
Some people pee on the toilet seat. Others tell their friends that the movie “Something Borrowed” was really good and they should definitely buy the thirty dollar high definition extreme special edition extended digital download so they can watch it, like, all the time.
Me? I enjoy killing expired food. Allow me to explain.
Wife is an amazing woman. She has more virtue and kindness in her pinkie toe than I have in the entire extra pinkie toe that is growing out of my neck. Just kidding. I mean, can you imagine?
Back to Wife. Out of the infinite list of her inspiring strengths, she only has one, glaring weakness: she can’t throw out food.
Doesn’t matter if it’s a piece of fish from that barbecue we hosted back in the Cretaceous Period, or a basket of strawberries that has sprouted a beard and is starting to lift weights. If it used to be edible, Wife can’t stomach the thought of throwing it into the garbage. Which is ironic, because she also couldn’t stomach throwing it into her stomach.
So guess whose job it is to make sure our refrigerator doesn’t become the Wild West of bacteria, complete with E. Coli saloons and tumblemolds?
INT. KITCHEN – MIDNIGHT
Cue MUSIC. Heavy, clinking FOOTSTEPS. Floorboards CREAK. The refrigerator door swings open, revealing…THE FOOD EXECUTIONER!
He SNAPS his yellow dish washing gloves. We hear a muted STRUGGLE. A limp celery stalk SCREAMS. Then silence. Somebody FARTS.
Somewhere, an orange cat CACKLES.