The Good, the Bad, and the Moldy

"I'm just doing what nobody else has the guts to do to this potato salad."

“I’m just doing what nobody else has the guts to do to this potato salad.”

Everyone has a dark side.

Some people pee on the toilet seat. Others tell their friends that the movie “Something Borrowed” was really good and they should definitely buy the thirty dollar high definition extreme special edition extended digital download so they can watch it, like, all the time.

Me? I enjoy killing expired food. Allow me to explain.

Wife is an amazing woman. She has more virtue and kindness in her pinkie toe than I have in the entire extra pinkie toe that is growing out of my neck. Just kidding. I mean, can you imagine?

Back to Wife. Out of the infinite list of her inspiring strengths, she only has one, glaring weakness: she can’t throw out food.

Doesn’t matter if it’s a piece of fish from that barbecue we hosted back in the Cretaceous Period, or a basket of strawberries that has sprouted a beard and is starting to lift weights. If it used to be edible, Wife can’t stomach the thought of throwing it into the garbage. Which is ironic, because she also couldn’t stomach throwing it into her stomach.

So guess whose job it is to make sure our refrigerator doesn’t become the Wild West of bacteria, complete with E. Coli saloons and tumblemolds?

INT. KITCHEN – MIDNIGHT

Cue MUSICHeavy, clinking FOOTSTEPS.  Floorboards CREAK. The refrigerator door swings open, revealing…THE FOOD EXECUTIONER!

He SNAPS his yellow dish washing gloves. We hear a muted STRUGGLE. A limp celery stalk SCREAMS. Then silence. Somebody FARTS.

Somewhere, an orange cat CACKLES.

FIN

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18 thoughts on “The Good, the Bad, and the Moldy

  1. haha.. really loved it.. i remember my friend giving me a DURIAN WAFER and I had left it in the refrigerator.. a few weeks later my Mother in Law discovers it..

    Durian smells awfull.. she thought it was rotten and immediately threw it out.. turns out it was only unbearable and still edible

    as a woman, i can assure you… even clothes stay.. even if they no longer fit.. they lurk in the bottom most drawers of their wardrobes.. I am afraid to explore mine..

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  2. Google worlds oldest cheese. I believe a fromagier (is that such a word?) recently discovered a hung (wheel?) of cheese that had been sitting in the back of his cold room/cheese storage room for about fifty years or so. Once the outer (vile) layer was scraped/cut off, said cheese retailed for a rediculous price. Ups.. just found the link for you. Show wifey THAT one! 🙂 http://www.chicagoreader.com/Bleader/archives/2012/10/08/the-oldest-edible-cheese-in-the-world

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    • Same here. Taking a yogurt from my childhood refrigerator was like playing Russian Roulette (if you played Russian Roulette with yogurt).

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  3. This made me laugh. Have you read The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul by Douglas Adams? My husband and I are having a battle of wills over a Tupperware in our fridge. Neither of us know what it contains. Neither of us want to find out. It has been there so long we are too scared to touch it in case a new life form emerges. And so it just stays there. Lurking.

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  4. A few weeks ago, I found a can of expired beans in my Mom’s cupboards. Do you know how long it takes for canned goods to become expired? I don’t know either and I’m too lazy to Goggle, but the can was from 1998. I think it’s a women thing.

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    • Sometime in the early 1980s my mother bought a can of mussels for some exotic recipe she wanted to try, but never did. Whenever we moved we moved with this can and the years past. My mother’s reckoning was that she was afraid to throw in the trash in case somebody found it, ate it and died. In the year 2006 I threw it out of her cupboards. Sometimes, I wonder if somebody did die.

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