I’m tied up.
I’m not talking about my fabulous new magic act, The Incredible Escaping Human Pig Boy, in which I dress up as a human potbellied pig hybrid, pretend to have just gained consciousness in the laboratory of a crazed biological engineer named Klaus Von Vinterschnapps, discover that I am bound by chains to a refrigerator full of old National Geographics (Klaus is a hoarder) and make my breathtaking escape through the ventilation system by greasing myself up with non-stick canola spray. All told, the performance is about two hours long. I still have to work out some of the choreography. More on that later.
No, I’m talking about the snare-net of wires, cables and peripheral lines that trips me up every time I make the mistake of touching my feet to the floor underneath my computer desk.
It’s almost as if I am some sort of Cable Farmer growing a horrible patch of black rubber ivy to be submitted to the World’s Worst County Fair. First prize is a Starbucks Gift Card with $1.50 on it. Second Prize is a gallon of spoiled milk. Third prize is a punch to the gut.
If only there were a way to get my cables under control WITHOUT getting down on my hands and knees and exerting my fragile pig boy heart. Surely someone has something called a Cable Genie or a Wire Wizard by now, right?
If not, let’s get on that. I’d love to see that infomercial.