Network Man

Schmooze novice.

Schmooze novice.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

Well, that is not entirely true. I am staring at an overpriced painting, with a beverage in one hand and an hor d’oeuvres skewer in the other. This much I know.

I meant “I don’t know what I’m doing” in the way that a boyfriend who has to shop for tampons, or a flight attendant who has to land a plane because the pilots have fainted, or a pilot who has to serve the mid-flight meal because the flight attendants have fainted, means it.

I am at a networking event, and I don’t know what I’m doing. That is probably because the institutions of lower learning that belched me out into reality covered in amniotic Bud Light and iTunes Gift Cards neglected to impart the nuances of one of the most essential life skills known to mankind: schmoozing.

So, instead of circulating the room like the 220 pound social butterfly I wish I could be, I am lurking in the hallway outside The Martini Lounge, staring at mixed-media artwork that looks like it was assembled by interns at Urban Outfitters, wondering why I am such a pansy when it comes to engaging strangers in small talk.

Perhaps I should enlist the services of an elocution specialist, or see if I can audit a class at a Ladies’ Finishing School (do those still exist)?

Then again, I could just start playing the lottery. Like, a lot.


12 thoughts on “Network Man

    • : You’re cherry-picking spicefic stories and spicefic versions of the character over a long publication history in which different writers have not exactly been scrupulous about sticking to other writers’ continuities, especially after numerous reboots and reimaginings. Like that of most of the long-running superheroes, the details about Batman’s circumstances have not been particularly consistent. There have been times, yes, when Batman was officially associated with the police, but there have also been plenty of times when he was depicted purely as a vigilante. So you’re kind of both right. Type your comment hereI described the status quo from 1941 to 1985, and even more the status quo from about 1941 to 1968, prior to the backlash against Adam West, the old business about, Gee that was a TV show that made fun of Batman and made fun of comic books, so we have to show people that Batman and comic books are serious and they’re adult .


  1. The only thing I hate more than the actual mingling has got to be those freaking skewers. Somehow I always end up having several toothpicks in my hand, just awkwardly carrying them around, like an idiot. There’s never a trash can within sight, yet somehow nobody else seems to have the same problem. F*ck skewers.


  2. 220 pound butterfly? Sir, are you talking about Mothra! Loved this article and based on how funny this post was would even trek past poorly constructed Urban Outfitters mixed-media artwork to awkwardly stand around and attempt to smile and network with you while not appearing to be some sociopathic mass murdering psycho. After all, isn’t that what networking is all about anyways.


  3. I HATE those events. I can talk to anyone anytime. I am not at all shy. But at networking events? Promoting myself? No way. My lips stick together in a sickly smile and I feel like a dork.

    Its comforting to realize that I am not alone.


    • We should organize an anti-networking event for people who dislike networking.

      There will be a piñata and business cards will be banned.



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