Stairmaster and Commander

Torture device.

Torture device.

That’s one small step for man. That’s another small step for man. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And-

That was when I was kicked out of the fitness center.

Apparently, the other “guests” were finding it hard to concentrate on their own cardio workouts while I gave an oral play-by-play of every single step I was taking on the Stairmaster. So sue me, right?

When did a little verbal self-motivation become so uncouth? Why is it perfectly acceptable for that one bodybuilder guy, who looks like a hammerhead shark, to grunt at the top of his lungs whilst he hang cleans the water fountain, but narrating your own simulated journey to the top of the Empire State building is not? This is madness!

No, it’s worse than madness. It’s ignorance.

I bet most people think the Stairmaster is for wimps. I bet they think that climbing a bunch of fake stairs is nowhere near as difficult as, say, the elliptical (the most useless, over-promising piece of cardio equipment ever conceived).

What if I told you that people are wrong? What if I told you that the Stairmaster is in fact incredibly challenging, makes you sweat like crazy and gets your heart rate going faster than seeing your secret crush in gym class?

Well, it is. And I just so happen to be a Stairmaster Level 99 – the highest level possible.

So suck it, Ray O’Brien (named changed to protect the jerks), Regional Sales Manager of the fitness center I no longer belong to. You just got Nailsbails’d’s’ed’s (sp?)!

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18 thoughts on “Stairmaster and Commander

  1. I’m wanting to get a Multimedia External Hard Drive to watch and liestn to my Videos and Music on TV but one im looking for is of course a 1TB HDD, one that will be easy to import stuff from PC or Memory Stick to the HDD and also be able to create/read folders (like you got an entire TV series and also want to keep organise)Is this any good and meets the requirements?

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  2. Hilarious post — I NEVER read posts aloud, but I did with this one.

    But I have to share this. There is one elliptical that you can take to the grocery store. Or that can take you there.

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    • Thanks!

      This video made my year. My favorite part is the Dr. Oz quote: “It combines the benefits of jogging, skiing and cycling!”

      Much like an airplane combines the benefits of lawnmowers, birds and soda.

      Like

  3. I am in total and complete agreement about the Elliptical. More like the ElliptiCANT!! Oh jeez. But really, if I ever go on it, it’s only because I am feeling too tired or lazy to do anything else and would just like to delude myself into feeling like I’ve worked out. It’s the last resort cardio machine.

    The stairmaster, on the other hand, is the only piece of equipment in the fitness center owned and managed by Satan himself. I once went on it for three minutes, looked to my left – saw a crazy old man – looked to my right – saw a crazy old woman – and then, already drenched in sweat and pissed off and miserable, I got off. If I’m going to climb stairs, there better be a freaking view at the top. Or something.

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    • Weight loss is simple, burn more caeolirs then you consume. If you can fully understand that then you are on your way to losing weight. There are 6 simple steps. Here they are: 1) Count how many caeolirs you eat in a normal day. That’s right, wake up, and eat like you would normally eat and count the caeolirs in everything you eat and everything you drink and keep track of it on a piece of paper or on the computer some where. You might be thinking to yourself, yeah right, I’m not gonna sit around counting caeolirs all day. Well, if you’re thinking that, then you’re obviously not dedicated enough to losing weight. If this is the case, then feel free to go waste your money on the newest useless weight loss pill. But, if you are dedicated enough to take 10 minutes out of your day and count the caeolirs, then keep on reading. 2) At the end of that day, add up the number of caeolirs you ate/drank. Be as exact as possible. Once you add it all up, you now have the total number of caeolirs you consume daily. Also, weigh yourself. 3) Starting the day after you counted caeolirs, eat 500 caeolirs LESS then you normally do. So, lets pretend that the day you counted caeolirs you counted 2000. For the rest of the week, you would eat 1500 caeolirs a day. Understand? All you have to do is subtract 500 from the total number of caeolirs you consume in a normal day, and eat this new number of caeolirs every day for the next 7 days. 4) Instead of eating 3 big meals a day (breakfast, lunch and dinner), or eating all day all the time, spread those caeolirs out over 5 smaller meals. Eat one meal every 2 and a half to 3 hours. Doing this will speed up your metabolism. 5) Cardio. Cardio is an important part of weight loss. If you’re serious about losing weight, but don’t want to do the cardio workouts, then you are requiring your diet to do all of the work. Jog, walk, swim, jump rope, ride a bike, take an aerobics class, whatever cardio + proper diet = better than just doing one of the two. All it takes is 30 minutes a day, 3 5 days a week. I say 3-5 days a week because I don’t know if you have 5 pounds to lose, or if you have 50 pounds to lose. So, depending on how much your looking to lose, figure it out. 3 times a week is good starting point though. (For information on the most effective time of the day to do your cardio workout, read doing cardio for maximum weight loss) 6) At the end of that week, weigh yourself. You’ll notice a difference just after one week! Now, don’t expect to see a 20 pound difference. Losing anymore then 1 or 2 pounds a week is unhealthly. So look for a 1 or 2 pound weight loss at the end of the week. Don’t sound like much? You can lose 5-8 pounds a month! That’s around 75lbs a year! So if you have A LOT of weight to lose, you can lose it. If have just a few pounds to lose, you can lose it.

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