Lady Chapstick’s Lover

Drug addict.

Pucker up. Not you. I was talking to myself. I often talk to myself, in fact. Just last week I was talking to myself in a Best Buy. I was shopping for a dashboard iPhone holder for Wife’s car, and had a question for the salesman lurking in the shadows of the audio accessories section. No sooner had I opened my mouth than the apparition vanished in a poof of smoke (Camel Lights, I think – must have been his cigarette break). Before I knew it, I was chattering away about Bluetooth capability and auxiliary inputs to myself. I was escorted from the premises shortly thereafter. They told me I had violated their store policy of  “Speaking to Employees.” Lesson learned. So why am I talking to myself now? Simple: my lips are chapped. Actually, my lips are pretty much always chapped in the winter time, and if I don’t give myself a verbal reminder every once in a while to apply my fancy designer ant wax chapstick, my mouth dries out and creaks to a complete standstill, much like the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz, when he was in his actor’s trailer with lower than average humidity. The only problem is that I suspect I am becoming addicted to the soothing restorative properties of this magical product. If I seem paranoid, it’s because, for years, my late grandmother was convinced that the chapstick companies were out to hook unsuspecting consumers on their cylindrical balms and salves. I’m beginning to think she was on to something.


17 thoughts on “Lady Chapstick’s Lover

  1. I actually have chapped lips every now and then but refuse to use chapstick repeatedly I’ll put it on and let my lips heal and that’s about it. I have never been addicted to it. I have used Burt’s Bees Pomegranate and it helped my lips heal and then I give it up completely. I feel proud that I have no habit 😀


  2. I read somewhere (classic opening) that a lot of companies put citrus in their balms, so though they initially soothe your lips in the long term they make you dependant on them. Like drug pushers who got into beauty products – the swines!


  3. Hi, my name is Lori, and I am a chapstick addict. I was addicted to burts bee until I read the ingredients and realized it contained GMO canola oil. I recently switched to much less expensive whole foods brand… only contains ingredients I can pronounce. #lessevil


  4. It’s true! Chapstick is a giant conspiracy. You don’t need it, but once you use it, you get hooked. And once you get hooked, if you don’t use it, right on cue, your lips get unrecognizably chapped and you ask yourself, “How did I ever not use chapstick before???” …as flakes of skin sprinkle onto the front of your shirt like dandruff.

    I finally kicked the habit and my lips are as naturally smooth and moisturized as… something that is naturally smooth and moisturized. Well, for the most part. Then again, I don’t live somewhere dry and windy and cold, like Chicago. So who knows, maybe I’m just full of it.


  5. See, I feel that way about bottled water. After I drink it, I feel just as thirsty as I did before. So add dry mouth to my chapped lips that peel after a certain amount of time. Oh yeah, attractive!



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