The Man with the Golden Torch

Fire hazard.

Need a light? Or, more specifically, need an intensely concentrated flame reaching temperatures upwards of 2,600 degrees Fahrenheit? If so, I’ve got you covered. That’s because my favorite tool, nay toy, nay thing ever is this nifty little butane torch that came in the creme brulee kit I impulse purchased a couple years ago. How many times have I made creme brulee between then and now? Exactly zero times. But I’ve made up for it by lighting fireplace fires and birthday candles with the absurd overcompensation of heat and power that is the consumer air butane torch. Sure, the candles get halfway melted and I usually lose all of my knuckle hair, but nobody really cares about birthday candles, just like nobody really cares about knuckle hair. Seriously, when was the last time you thought about knuckle hair? If it was as recently as this morning, you *might* want to look into full body waxing services. Now, you may be thinking that butane torches have pretty limited utility. You may also be thinking that jello is overrated. In both cases, you are wrong, and should stop thinking, like, indefinitely. Not only does this modern marvel allow me to make tiny spot welds on diecast model cars and airplanes, but it also looks super cool lighting strangers’ cigarettes. Granted, the last time I tried that I wound up burning the toupee off a businessman in the smoking section of Chicago O’Hare Airport, but that’s another story for another day. Flame on!


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