Out of Internet

Send help.

This is an emergency. If you can read this, then disaster has not yet struck your area. But you very well may be next. You should know that many sacrifices were made to deliver you this message. I had to perform a series of increasingly complex trades to earn access to a working computer and type this out – my hands shahshashhahshshaking with fear. I started with a paper clip, and traded goods with a shrewd Gypsy until I was able to exchange my car for ten minutes of internet access. Yes, that’s right. A terrible pox is upon our house. We have no internet. It began yesterday, around lunchtime, but it seems like almost half a century has passed between now and “The Event.” Ever since the service blackout, Wife and I have had to make do by roasting baked beans on a fork over a candle, flicking the springy door stop back and forth while singing songs about our rich heritage, and huddling around our phones. Yes, our phones still get internet via our cellular network, but it’s not as fast! [dramatic revelatory music] It has indeed been a cruel test of our resolve and spirit, but I am happy to report we have not yet been forced to start eating our leather goods. All we can do is pray our ISP hears our cries for help over the horrible muzak playing while we’re on hold with customer service, keep calm and, um, read…or something. Just promise me this: if we don’t make it through the night, tell the world our story. [climbs on horse, gallops down street] “Long live the true ethernet king!”