Dairy Liaisons

Risky business.

I’m milking it. Just to be clear, I’m not referring to the massive* amount of exposure** this blog has been receiving lately, I’m referring to the gallon of milk I am currently playing a very dangerous game with. Perhaps some of you are familiar with this game. It has many different names, the mere utterance of which instill terror in the hearts and minds of some of the more superstitious peoples on this planet. But I refer to it only as “The Whiff of Death.” The rules of the game are simple: (1) Remove weeks old container of milk from refrigerator (2) Warily eye the expiration date (3) Remove cap (4) Pray to the spirits (5) Inhale (6) Check to see if your nose is still attached to your face (7) Congratulations, you lose. In the unlikely event that the milk is still good, give it about five minutes and play the game again. Don’t get me wrong, I love milk. What I don’t love is the Dance with the Devil Smell Test required whenever I crack open the carton a few days past purchase. I guess the only viable solution is to actually buy a cow. I realize the saying goes “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” but that’s hogwash. Who among us is receiving free milk without their own cow? Is this a service that the mafia provides? Unlimited free milk in exchange for certain…services? But of course that would mean that the free milk really isn’t free, suggesting that you probably should have just caved and bought the cow in the first place. Maybe the new saying should go “There’s no such thing as free milk, so you should probably suck-it-up and just buy the cow already.” I bet that would look really nice on a quilt. *moderate **spam

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