The Bonfire of the Receipts

Next please.

Need a receipt? Need two receipts? Three? Four? How about five? I have them right here in my wallet. Some might say I have an army surplus store of small purchase receipts. Others might say I have a pocket full of tiny garbage. Others still might say that we faked the moon landing and yogurt contains mind control properties. There are a lot of nutty people out there. All this aside, can we please get our receipt situation under control? There is nothing more useless and wasteful than a small purchase receipt. I would rather be handed a small wasps’ nest than receive a slip of paper that notes the time, date and name of the cashier who was there the day the Earth stood still when some guy with yellow hair bought a coffee with skim milk. I will concede that businesses must issue receipts for every transaction in order to keep an accurate sales record, but nowhere in the Law Book (the one that exists in my mind) does it say you can’t spice things up a bit. Instead of a boring old paper receipt, how about a miniature plaque commemorating your historic purchase? Wouldn’t it be cool if you received a trophy every time you ordered a latte? How about small pets, such as a frog or goldfish, to serve as a living momento to the $2 dollar investment you make every day in coffee futures (“futures” meaning immediate consumption). Temporary tattoos? Receipt stickers: you stick ’em on your body like luggage labels on an old suitcase. “Oh, I see you’ve been to the coffee shop, grocery store and gas station today. Do these come off? No? Well…you look…great!”